Talk me down... so frustrated, barn help deal imploded

[goneriding]

I'm stewing right now. I have a 14 acre farm with full horse facilities that I just use for my two. People look at me like they heard me wrong, look around slowly, and then stare at me harder to see whether I am joking or nuts lol. But I don't want to take care of any more horses, or the many things they do to the property.

We have a mobile home and a barn apartment we rent out. The mobile home rental does not come with any land, we maintain the surroundings and the tenants are expected to keep themselves to the interior and just enjoy the privacy and quiet. It's small and it's for one or two adults only. I explain that up front. But people who rent it want chickens, and a garden, and a dog, etc etc. They look around and ask if they can keep a horse here (no, I don't want any more horses here). EVERYONE wants something different... their family of six will be fiiiinnnne, their dog is little and it's a therapy dog, etc. Because it's on our personal property I can and do choose who lives there, and I don't allow children or pets. It's right next to both the driveway and the arena, and I don't want either one running around.

Anyway... I have had a young woman living in our barn apartment to help with chores. I really like and trust her, and it's been a great benefit to be able to get away. I let her bring her horse because that was what made the deal work for her. Now she's getting married and she and fiance want to rent the mobile home, which is vacant at the moment. I explained the no children policy when we first talked about it, about 4 months ago. He has a 2yo and an 8yo with autism. He said he had one every other weekend and one every weekend. I decided to allow that because I value my helper (and I explained clearly, I thought, that I was allowing weekend visits and that the kids would not leave the yard and had to have an adult with them at every moment).

Then helper's sister asked if she could rent the barn apartment when sis gets married, and also do chores, and also bring horse. She's also reliable and knowledgeable and it would provide backup when I'm gone so I agreed. This was all set to happen mid October.

Well, I'm chatting with sis #2 and she tells me how she's going to help by watching the 8yo in the morning until he gets on the bus. Whoa, that doesn't sound like weekend parenting. So I texted my helper and said, hey, it's been a while since we talked, let's go over the lease before move in day to be sure it's what you expected. I wrote in that occupants were the two adults, and the two children were part time occupants 2 days per week. Sure enough, they had decided that the 8yo would live with them full time, but had not discussed it with me.

I am not going to do that. I like kids, but a family of 3-4 is not the right fit for this tiny house with it's tiny septic system right next to my horse facilities. So now they are 3 weeks from getting married and their expected move in day and it has all gone to pot, and here I am feeling like the bad guy, for doing Exactly. What. I. Said. I. Would. Do. in the first place

If sis #1 doesn't stay here in the mobile home, I'm also not sure sis #2 is a good fit for barn apartment/horse care person, because her work schedule conflicts with barn chores. They were going to share chores in a way that covered it between them. I use the barn apartment for either live in horse help, or a place to stay when I hire someone by the day, so if she can't do horse care I need the apartment for someone who can. So now I have to go back to her and say hey, we need to talk about whether this is going to work after all.

These two young ladies had a whole plan in their minds for their lives on MY farm, they just neglected to ask ME.

Anyway, that's my vent. I don't want to burn bridges, I like these girls, but I need to move on to a new plan. And you know, I just really don't want to be dealing with any of it.

[Chancellor]

The bottom line is that it is your space and therefore your rules. Man, that stinks.

[Rockabilly]

I think you are waaaaaaay too nice like I used to be before people like this and others who got it out of me. I am not in the least surprised. What bothers me though is that you feel like the bad guy. You are not the bad guy. This is your home, your farm and your right to tend to it as you wish. You explained everything and it just went over their head because while you're explaining they're planning on how to make it work for them. Take back your control not only in this, but other life situations as well.

[kande50]

These two young ladies had a whole plan in their minds for their lives on MY farm, they just neglected to ask ME.

Anyway, that's my vent. I don't want to burn bridges, I like these girls, but I need to move on to a new plan. And you know, I just really don't want to be dealing with any of it.

They probably started assuming that you were going to be fine with any changes they wanted to make because you were so accommodating about several in a row. Not surprising, but now they need to find out that there actually are some limits.

IMO, it's not worth getting upset over, or feeling like the bad guy, because all you need to do is put the brakes on their newest plans and then they can decide whether to take it or leave it.

[goneriding]

I really do know that my boundaries are fine and right where I need them to be. What feels so awful is how sad they are, especially the dad, since I really like them. My husband pointed out the man's point of view - his past is messing up his future with his new partner, he wants to give her the life she was excited about and because he has kids it isn't working out. He's stuck between giving up full time parenting if they live here, or being the parent and all that goes along with it. The original plan was that the 8yo would live with dad's mother during the week, but they don't feel that grandma is doing the things kid needs to help his autism and they want him with them. I respect his commitment, so many kids lose dad when parents separate, I just don't have a rental where they can raise their family, and I told them as much.

My husband pointed out that she is getting an early lesson in how when you marry someone you marry all their baggage too lol. He knows (as do I), since we married each having two teenagers to raise. And I have horses, now that is baggage

[Tarlo Farm]

IMO, it's not worth getting upset over, or feeling like the bad guy, because all you need to do is put the brakes on their newest plans and then they can decide whether to take it or leave it.

This. And what everyone before her wrote.

[zevida]

You should be very careful here - not renting due to children is discrimination and illegal according to the Fair Housing Act.

https://www.rentprep.com/landlord-tips/ ... -children/

[Chisamba]

Unfortunately once you start renting there are laws in place. Your farm your rules does not apply once you choose to rent.

Please be sure your rules are legal.

They don't sound legal to me but I don't know your state, city, county or what federal laws apply.

[piedmontfields]

Agree with the legal caution. Seek counsel.

It is very hard to be a compassionate landlord without being miserable.

[goneriding]

My rules are perfectly legal. Because this rental is on my personal property, it has a set of rules more like a roommate arrangement. You can rent to only women, only men, on a certain religion, no children etc. because it's your personal home. If I did not live at this location it would be subject to the fair housing laws you are thinking of.

[Red's Mom]

Goneriding, I'm glad the law is on your side! And I wouldn't feel bad at all. You will be unhappy if you relent.

[angela9823]

My rules are perfectly legal. Because this rental is on my personal property, it has a set of rules more like a roommate arrangement. You can rent to only women, only men, on a certain religion, no children etc. because it's your personal home. If I did not live at this location it would be subject to the fair housing laws you are thinking of.

You can get away with this IF you don't advertise the home for rent (word of mouth rental instead) too and own less than three rental units. You are perfectly within your legal rights in this case. It it weren't for the word of mouth thing, you MAY still be subject to the laws otherwise because someone can fight whether this home is truly "owner occupied" or not. Just being on the same property does not always exclude you from the law. But the lack of advertising would.

We have two rental homes on our owner occupied property (same deed). Since we advertise, we must adhere to the law even though both rentals are near our barns and land we occupy and regularly use. I don't mind children (thankfully our renters have none though) and we allow pets; but like you, I'm not allowing any other horses on my property other than my own. It opens up entirely too many cans of worms with insurance etc. And I have almost a full 40 acres fenced in with my three horses and cow. I don't care what others think. It is way to much hassle to have someone else's horse on my property.

[PaulaO]

You know the law. It is on your side. I totally understand your frustration. I have a huge issue with people who keep taking taking taking. You give them one thing and suddenly the flood gates open. IMHO, you should be glad that neither sister will stay. Sharing chores is never a good idea. There will always be a time when "she said she was going to do it" and nobody does it.

Can you take over the chores until you find one person sans kids and dogs to be the live-in?

[Hayburner]

I understand your feeling like the bad guy, I would too. I hate saying NO...and I usually cave and then I'm miserable.

You did give them the boundaries, so it's not a surprise, but they probably thought you'd let it go since they are needed and helpful to you. The relationship has worked up until now with the changes they have made.

Your parameters of kids staying in the yard, I'd guess that would be really hard to police. They will want to visit your barn your horses, etc. Rather than kids only on the week-ends it should just be NO Kids. You'll end up losing your help/tenants and hopefully good help is easy to find in your area. I'm not a kid person so I know I'd be nuts trying to keep track of where someone else's kids were on my property.

Since the wedding is so close - I'd grant them an extra month or two to find new housing. Grin and bare it for now.

[texsuze]

Stick to your guns. You made your restrictions/allowances abundantly clear to the folks at the outset. Don't get caught up in their crises re: kids, poor life choices, etc. Seems people simply don't understand or want to comply when it is your land, your rules. We've been in similar situations with hunting leases. What don't they get about following instructions? Mucking stalls is a great way to churn and vent when crap happens--ask me how I know

[boots-aregard]

Oh gosh, commiserations. I'll bet they are upset as well: this isn't good for any of the parties involved.

Be kind to them, be kind to you as you sort this out. I like the upthread suggestion that you give them a month extra to sort out the details. You *will* get your privacy back and they *will* come to appreciate your generosity and you *won't* have to feel like a beast.

It's amazing how people will assume whatever they like, isn't it? But in this case somewhat easy to understand because (I'll bet) they're thinking of the trailer in the same way one would think of an independent rental, where the governing laws are different. Anyway, I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt, is all. Trying to soften the blow (it will be a blow to them, even if they were completely warned ahead of time).

But yes, be kind to you. This is your property. You do not owe them anything more than human decency.

[orono]

I think this will be easier to resolve before they move in than afterwords. But putting your foot down may cost you both tenants, so make sure you're ready for that. I understand not wanting kids around (though I have 3 myself!), but I think the grey are is that you were allowing them on weekends. Most custody agreements have some flexibility...even the 'every other weekend' parent will often get them for longer times during holidays, or in the case of illness etc of the other parent. I suppose those aren't things that people think about if they aren't in it.

Is the mobile home fenced at all? If so that could make the boundaries much more clear.

[orono]

PS. How would you handle things if your current barn helper got pregnant after moving in to the mobile with her fiance?

[Chisamba]

well, your circumstances do sound frustrating, good thing you have a chance to resolve it before the move in happened

[goneriding]

Yes, I'm so glad this came to a head before move in day. That would have been much harder on all of us. It sounds like my helper is going to stay in the barn apartment where she currently lives even after their wedding, until they can find a place to live together with the kids. She is still acting a bit moralistic about it, implying that I thought they should leave the child behind when they got married. I am not making choices for them lol, I only make choices for my property, and they were well-informed what my policies are.

What would I do if she got pregnant while living here? I'd remind them that the mobile has a 2 person occupancy limit, so it would not be able to accommodate a household of 3. Occupancy limits matter. I've owned rentals in the past, and bought distressed homes. I think one of the worst things for the condition of a property is over crowding.

I was not thrilled to have tenants with even part time children in the household, 4 people some weekends, but was allowing it because it is so nice to have reliable, on site horse care when I go away. I am kind of relieved that this has taken the whole thing off the table. The horse care arrangement has been great with my single helper, and now I can look for a new person who will be a good fit.