So, M&M, the massage story...sorry, it's a long one.
I have an extremely talented and dedicated massage therapist/body work practitioner who has impressed the heck out of me when working on Fergus. Her pursuit of continued professional growth is mind blowing...the things she has participated in...just wow. Fergus loves his chiropractor and his acupuncture vet, but previously an attempt at massage therapy almost got the original person run down and put through a wall. She was not harmed in any way as he never actually made contact, but boy did Fergus hate the experience and tred so hard to get her to leave by being scary and threatening....not like him...it obvious did not feel good. It's been many years but I think I pulled the plug on it very early in the session, paid the lady, and said thanks anyway.
So, after his last EPM treatment, when the vet found lots of muscle soreness, and she suggested adding massage, I was not holding out much hope that it would work for him.
I called around, and was told by many that there was someone I had to try...I was willing to give it one more go, but was very honest with her about the previous experience. Don't worry, she told me, I think I understand what happened and I have some ideas of what your horse might need....I have several clients who suffered from EPM. When she arrived, she responded very well to Fergus' "who the heck are you and why are you here" greeting, and their session was slow, methodical, and just amazing. For her second visit, he greeted her as he does anyone on his "team" which is a ringing endorsement for me. Over the last couple of years, she has blown me away picking up things others never mentioned/recognized, and has really helped us through the "downs". She is very holistic, and is trained/certified is many techniques and methods, and she just uses them as she sees the horse needs. As touchy freely as I am, some stuff is beyond the science side of me, but I have seen the horses' reactions and they don't fake things or fall for placebo effects IMHO.
So, I couldn't wait for her to meet Dallas. I knew she'd find come physical things, to what extent I had no idea. I assumed he'd benefit from some emotional mojo, as he seemed a little shut down and insecure, and he was more spooky than I'd expected. This lady arrived, so excited to work on him. We stood in the bigger barnyard area, watching the boys in the smaller, attached paddock area I'd made by expanding with roundpen panels. I filled her in on my experiences and observations, and she watched him move around and told me what she saw physically. All of a sudden, he spooked, spun 180* and took off....ran out of the smaller space, back into the barnyard, made a hard left turn, started in our direction, I swear he saw us, and he zoned in on us and came AT us. I really didn't know him yet, but this seemed very unlike him. I stepped into his space, threw up my arms, used my big voice to tell him that we don't act that that here, and he snapped out of it....veered off and went straight back to the smaller paddock. It rattled me a bit to be honest.
I could tell that our visitor was taking it all in, and she "felt" very different to me than when she comes to work on Fergus. She asked that we work on Dallas in an open space, on a lead, versus in a stall or grooming area like we do with Ferg. As she worked on Dallas, it was as if he was holding his breath....like it was just a lot for him to take in. she talked to me to sort of narrate her thoughts, and she went very slowly and kept trying different techniques. She said he had so much going on emotionally that she didn't think she'd do too much that first day to get after the physical. Needed to build trust. Said he was so closed off that too much could blow his mind. Keep in mind, at the rescue where demands were next to none, he came across as an easy fellow, but I could see trust and relationships were a thing for him and he'd fake it...I saw that before he even came home. I also saw, and continue to see, some attitude. What I was seeing and feeling....for lack of a better word...as she worked on him was discomfort. He was tolerating. I wouldn't even say he was trying to be good, as it seemed more like he was afraid of repercussions should he react. This went on for awhile, he never moved, we kept trying to be encouraging and calming.
Along the way, she must have switched techniques somehow, or done something differently, and his breathing changed...I have never heard sounds like this, and I felt a physical tightness in my chest worse with each sound he made....and though he wasn't moving, I "felt" like I was shaking like a leaf. I realized I had tears in my eyes....very confusing and odd. I jokingly asked her if she had ever made an owner cry before during a session. She didn't look up, but said in knowing way, "so, you feel that." and I found that tears were streaming down my face. When I said yes, she looked up and I saw she had tears in her eyes. At this point, I actually sobbed a little and all that I found myself saying was "Dallas I am so so sorry....I'm so sorry." Over and over. Now I am a big sap, and I believe there are a lot of things beyond the cut and dried, but this was really new, different and confusing to me. As she continued to work, she tried to talk to me too and kept saying "that is not you. Those are not your feelings. You have to let them go. Do not let yourself hold onto them...it's bad for you and for Dallas." I had no real idea what that meant but I did my best, and it passed in about a minute that felt like 30. At some point she stepped back and let out some deep breaths. Dallas sighed all the way down to his toes and so did I. I told her that was one of the most horrible feelings I had ever had and if that was what happened to her, how the hell did her heart not break? She told me Dallas was one of, if not the, most intense experiences of her career, and that it did break her heart but you couldn't hang onto it. She said "it"....whatever that means...was "rolling off of him like waves and I couldn't even keep up, it just kept coming...it felt like being knocked around in the ocean and not being able to get your feet underneath you." From what she said, I guess the theory is that it relates to whatever has happened to Dallas before...that horses can have "cellular memories" of stress and pain and fear and anxiety that can store up. They don't remember the events or dwell on them, but their body remembers it's reaction maybe? It made me sad how much he must have hidden or buried, as he seemed so "calm" on the surface in his daily life where nothing really changed and no demands or expectations were placed on him.
She warned me he might act differently for a bit, as his body would feel different and he'd be trying to sort things out. She was able to work a bit on some muscular issues in his back and hind end, but a lot will still have to happen there. (The vet pointed it out too, the following week when she came for his check up.). For about 24 hours, Dallas was a little all over the place. Fergus had to reprimand him more, and the next morning Dallas actually had two kick marks on his rump....no signs of any need for that in the two weeks prior to the appointment. Fergus wouldn't let Dallas near him as he'd done previously, and didn't want him near me all of a sudden. At about 36 hours post appointment, I noticed things were fine between the boys again. And Dallas would come to the fence to say hi to humans...any humans...at all opportunities. He'd leave his hay to say hi, and he started following me around the pasture when I cleaned up poop. All of a sudden, he and Fergus were sharing hay piles, despite there being several out there. And they started mutually grooming....my big herd leader has done that with MAYBE two other horses in 16+ years. Dallas started being much more agreeable about haltering, grooming and fly masks. I didn't feel like he was so defensive anymore....and I found myself, while still being safe and aware around a 'strange' horse, not getting that challenge vibe from him anymore. Before the appointment, hind feet were pretty demonstrative for picking out...36 hours later, much quieter...and as of the last 5 days or so, he is offering all four feet to me at times.
I told a friend about the tears and she said she'd seen that once in a bodywork clinic with an owner and a rescue horse. Said the two of them went on to have some crazy close, really cool relationship. Maybe it was coincidence and the owner is a super gifted horse person. Maybe it's mojo plus horse skills. Who knows. But it made me feel better that I wasn't the only sap out there.
We should have another appointment this week. I am very curious to see his reaction and see how receptive he is.
But I will look for that one!
