The power people can have over you

[Grandiose]

I'm up there in age, kind of a been there down that person. Friends would tell you I'm very independent and rather strong willed. I've made myself that way. I grew up in a home with a father that was abusive. He would have terrible temper "tantrums" and if you were anywhere in the vicinity you would get beat.

So fast forward to being an adult and I have made a good life for myself. Great job, friends, horses, etc., not so good with a couple of marriages, but hey, I'm happy.

Enter new manager several years ago. I had always excelled at my job, people wanted me on their crews. But in the space of 4 years I've gone from excellent employee to barely mediocre. I kept asking myself what the hell is wrong? Why am I becoming a crap worker? My job has changed, I don't like it anymore but I've always prided myself on doing the best I can no matter the circumstances. Do your best and never quit trying had been my mantra. And then 5 months ago my manager retired. Holy horse feathers I am doing great. I still don't like my job, but I'm in it 100% . I'm getting projects done on time and with good results. What has changed?

This morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. The old manager was verbally abusive, he threw things when angry and never gave praise. I believe subconsciously I related his behavior with my father's and it made me shut down. I think I can understand a bit of what people living with domestic violence go through. Never did I think that feelings had as a child could still be with me. The helplessness, the fear. It's crazy!

Now that I know this part of me, I will be aware of triggers. Be it a person's attitude, behavior, whatever. I will not let anyone bring me down like that again!

If you made it all the way through this post, thanks for listening! I can tell you it had even made a difference in my relationship with my horse. Don't let someone bring you down, we are all worthy of respect.

[KathyK]

Thank you for this insightful post. I too had an abusive father (more emotionally abusive than physically, but the corporal punishment was dealt out), so I understand completely what you are saying. I hope it will make me more aware of this trigger.

[Ryeissa]

Great post, thanks for telling your story!

[Koolkat]

Hats off to you for getting through to the other side of the tunnel and using the experience to learn something positive. That says a lot about you!

[PaulaO]

My brother Steven was a verbal bully to me all my life, to the point of saying to me "I hate you." The last words he ever said were "bite me, Paula." I didn't realize this until the last 5 years of his life, and boy, he backed down when I no longer took his sh!t and stood up to him. I've lost count of the number of times "f*** you" was exchanged. He was a drunk, a mean drunk. The irony of it all is that he collapsed into respiratory distress, was put on a vent, went into total organ failure, and I was the one who told the doctor to take him off life support. He died without a will and my sister and I sold his house and split the profits.

I still harbor a bit of anger towards my mother for refusing to recognize his behavior, and for not defending me.

Grandiose, I'm glad you are on the other side, with clarity. You are right, EVERYONE deserves respect.

[no.stirrups]

My ex-husband was, among other things, financially abusive. I knew I hadn't fully recovered from the damage he inflicted, but I could go months at a time without thinking about it at all, and I was feeling like that was all well in the past. Then recently I was having trouble getting a mortgage loan (due primarily to the fact that the ex still hasn't refinanced our mortgages and the court has no teeth to compel him to do so) and a male friend offered to loan me the funds.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, I would get my money, I would pay him back at an interest rate that would at least match what he'd been getting wherever the money had been invested. Win-win. Until the bank formally turned me down and I was faced with actually doing the private loan and being financially bound to a man. I went into all-out panic. I was shaking, tears were streaming, it was awful. The thought of the alternative, potentially being homeless, was calming by comparison. The bank changed it's mind and I'm getting my bank mortgage, but even after finding that out it took several days to calm down. I think I will never fully heal from the damage that has been done. I would expect that trauma experienced as a child would be even more lasting.

[Tarlo Farm]

Great post! I grew up with a blessed life, but every family has issues. I would notice how I, and especially my siblings when they came to visit from out of town, would revert to our old roles when in my folk's house. Triggers are everywhere. Glad you had that lightbulb moment!

[Code3]

Another person with an abusive father here. I'm 61 and every once in a while I'm absolutely shocked at how close to the surface a trigger can be. Having said that, life has been good for and to me. Thank you for sharing and glad you are "back" to being you.