Caring for the aging parent

khall
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Caring for the aging parent

Postby khall » Tue May 25, 2021 2:54 pm

Is like caring for a 5 yr old :lol: Geeze my mom who lives on the farm and has dementia but not so bad she needs full time help sounds just like a 5 yr old. “I’m bored” or “I want to go see my Aunt Lavada” her aunt is her age lives 7 hours away there is no way we can get them together. Trying to tell her that goes in one ear out the other. She has no concept of time or distance anymore. DH is going to try to set up a zoom call with them but man I thought I had quit raising kids. My DS is out of the house and going to be 21 this year.

Mom has always been melodramatic but it is enhanced by her dementia and lack of filter. I have little patience for it. Never did even when she was in sound mind. Don’t like whining. Did not allow my DS to whine.

So now when she comes to me all teary and glum I’m going to tell her to count her blessings she is mobile and healthy except for her mind has kids and grandkids who care for her and visit with her ( we were all here for Mother’s Day this month) suck it up. Pffft better than being in a nursing home.

We also hire a caregiver to come in a couple of times a week to help her bath and clean house and be a companion. We all adore the caregiver

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Sue B » Tue May 25, 2021 4:41 pm

Oh man, khall, btdt! The problem is, that 5 yr old is only going to regress more, it is so hard to watch and live with day-to-day. I loved my mom, we had some really good times together and she loved the chance she got to be there day-to-day watching our son grow up, but she had always planned on being dead by the age of 85. I have no idea why, since her mother lived (and I mean, actually lived, as in vibrant full life) to 98 when she died suddenly, while reading a book! Dealing with a depressed, regressing parent is beyond what most of us can handle well. I know I failed many times in helping her see the world with a different set of glasses but I also know I did the best I could. having help come daily, even though it was only for a couple hours, helped me a ton, both mentally and physically. There are lots of agencies out there to give you the help you need for eldercare--make sure you make good use of them. Mom passed April 5, with me at her side. My siblings, who all live far away, really mourned her passing and for that I am grateful. it will take me longer, I think, to be able to remember the good times and actually mourn her passing. Just know, it's ok and totally understandable to feel frustrated and resentful at times; it doesn't mean you are a bad person, it only shows you too, are human. Lots of virtual hugs to you khall.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Ryeissa » Tue May 25, 2021 5:56 pm

khall wrote:
Mom has always been melodramatic but it is enhanced by her dementia and lack of filter. I have little patience for it. Never did even when she was in sound mind. Don’t like whining. Did not allow my DS to whine.

So now when she comes to me all teary and glum I’m going to tell her to count her blessings she is mobile and healthy except for her mind has kids and grandkids who care for her and visit with her ( we were all here for Mother’s Day this month) suck it up. Pffft better than being in a nursing home.


ummmmmm.....psycological issues, depression, and outbursts are part of the disease. This is 200% NOT the right way to handle it, sorry. The person with memory loss/dementia CAN NOT "just stop whinning". I'm really shocked you said that, to be honest. Lack of filter is a classic dementia sign, for many its the FIRST sign of a problem.

you might want to reach out to your local Alz Assoc caregiving chapter for resources and ideas to manage these symptoms and get support as her primary caregiver.

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving

Also, most people do better when in memory care, as they have more support. So don't assume its "best to be at home..." There is a marked deline in caregiver burden, so when CG visit PWML its more in the "family mode" as they don't provide ongoing care. It can be a huge relief to some families. However, this assumes a good LTC facility and the finances to support this care.

khall
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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby khall » Tue May 25, 2021 7:04 pm

Rye the memory care facilities are not a good fit for our mother that are local to us. If you have not cared for a loved one who has dementia then please do not comment. This is our second go around after dealing with our father who also had dementia. The home care nurse who has seen our mother told me the exact opposite of what you are claiming re memory care facilities

I’m well aware of what mom cannot grasp at this point. What I try to point out to her is to focus on the positives in her life instead of dwelling on the negatives that she cannot change. Never have I told her to stop whining I would hope those who read my post realizes I am venting here to others who have or are going down this road. We do tell our mother the truth as much as we can and what she can understand. No she cannot go to TN to visit her aunt yes we have her caregiver coming in twice a week and are looking at adult day care for her. We plant her flowers for her to enjoy and water. She has one of my dogs as a companion and her family who both calls and comes to see her regularly.


Do I get frustrated? Yes I do. Do I take it out on my mother? No I do not. My sister and I know our limits and have no issue seeking help from others. But when the doctor will not prescribe medication to keep my mom from having hallucinations at night because of stroke risk it is frustrating. According to him I’m just supposed to talk to her about them telling her they are not real.

It gets old chasing doctors and not getting the help you need. We saw that with dad in the hospital when they were giving him benedryl to make him sleep at night. It made him go out of his mind to the point he threatened to pee on my sister. So unless you’ve had to advocate for an aging loved one stay off my post.

Thank you SueB for the virtual hugs. It’s not easy facing this road again. As a family we are trying to do the best we can for our mother after already going through this with our dad. It does not help mom cannot take any medication to help slow the progression. It makes her horribly sick. Heading to her internist tomorrow and will ask for script for speech therapy that was suggested by home care nurse to help slow the progress of the disease.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby demi » Tue May 25, 2021 9:29 pm

I just got back from a week in Michigan with my 92 yr old mom. She is mentally sharp but physically not so good. She lives with my brother and SIL in the lower half of a split level that bro built just for her. I have a sister in Chicago and another in the same town as mom. They do most of the work and I feel bad that I cant help more. I FaceTime mom 3-4 times a week and before covid visited quarterly.

I just started the quarterly visists again. It works well for me because I can get a direct flight to O’Hare and then my sister and I drive up to Michigan together. Sis and I always have a discussion on the way home. She treats mom like a kid sometimes and I feel bad when she scolds her! The thing is, and I really understand this, is I only have to deal with mom on a limited basis and the other sibs have her all the time. If they don’t set some boundaries, she will act like a spoiled kid. She doenst pull that with me because I’m in Texas and she knows I’m limited in what I can do for her. Mom has always been very independent and has been hard since she had to quit driving. Thank God she did realize that she needed to give up the keys because she has macular degeneration and her vision is bad. It’s interesting how she will play on each of our sympathies differently, according to our own personalities. Sis points out that mom has always been manipulative and since she raised us she knows just how to push our buttons!

Fortunately she got her first computer in the early 80’s and has kept up to speed ever since. She really should have a keyboard for people with limited vision but she’s too proud to get one. That’s one of the things sis was scolding her about last week.

Yep. My mom has turned into a kid again....

Hugs and prayers to all who are dealing with this.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Moutaineer » Wed May 26, 2021 5:24 am

Its very hard. I understand the vent.

One knows one should be able to just go with the flow, but it's incredibly frustrating at times.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Koolkat » Wed May 26, 2021 5:52 am

Our family was lucky this way. Dad had to go into a nursing home due to his Parkinson's and my mother was not willing to take care of him (that's another story). Mom was sharp up to the end, she tripped and badly broke her hip. She was 94 and had a greatly enlarged heart. The doctor told her that the choices were to stay in bed for the rest of her life, or have hip replacement surgery, which due to her heart, would be very high risk. I was proud of her for choosing the surgery, she died 5 days later.

I'm not sure anyone dealing with this up close and personal would enjoy this movie, but we saw The Father last night. Anthony Hopkins played the aging parent spiraling into dementia. He lives with his daughter who is emotionally struggling both with living with him and making the move to put him into assisted care so she can go on with her life. It is very well done, told from the father's twisted reality POV. Anthony Hopkins is amazing.

Condolences to all who are dealing with this situation.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Sue B » Wed May 26, 2021 4:23 pm

To clarify, my mom had short term memory loss from a TBI she incurred when she was 85 or so. She refused medical care and therapy, which, in my opinion, would've brightened her outlook on life. But again, she was of the mindset that she should've died by then so whatever.

I also had the "joy" of helping my MIL take care of my FIL through his 10yr battle with Alzheimer's (they lived next door also), while simultaneously helping my mom handle her husband who had frontal lobe dementia + Parkinson's, and taking care of DH's grandmother who was slowly dying from heart disease.! Oh, and did I mention, ds was a baby then? FIL and mom's 2nd husband died about 2 mos apart from their respective diseases. I had lots of adult offspring of both those men, all who lived 500+ miles away giving me and my husband care advice. I learned to smile and nod a lot, thank them for their concerns/advice, and then move on with taking care of business. In one respect, it was a thankless job filled with frustration and, at times, even personal danger, but it was also filled with precious moments that I can now look back on and smile. I need that to happen with my mom too, I'm just not quite there yet. Khall, you'll get there too; meanwhile hang in there and know you will eventually find peace!

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby piedmontfields » Wed May 26, 2021 7:43 pm

khall and all who have been through or all handling this: It is brutal. I really have compassion for you. I'm not sure if it's easier/worse if you come from a loving, mentally-healthy family and then have to deal with dementia vs. coming from a "normal messed up" family and then adding dementia to that. All of it is hard.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby khall » Wed May 26, 2021 9:12 pm

Goodness SueB you were put through the ringer! Major hugs to you. I completely understand your feelings of not being able to grieve and remember the good with your mom. Dad was declining the last few years mentally and physically to the point we had to involuntary admit him to the psyche hospital to start the dementia diagnosis. Major hallucinations and paranoia that we were unaware of until the sh*t hit the fan one night. My sister and I went a couple of days that week or so with no sleep. When dad passed it was a relief. The downward spiral had accelerated the last 6 weeks of his life. The best decision we made was to bring him home his last 2 days of life on hospice from the hospital. We learned much from those hospital stays with a dementia loved one. Don’t go!! If at all possible keep them home.

My sister and I really agree that while we are sad and miss the dad we knew before his illness we could not be sad the dad we had before his death was gone. We are pragmatic about these life situations and will be with our mother as well. It’s difficult to watch your loved ones struggle with their mentality. I was struggling to hold back tears one day as the home care nurse evaluated dad asking him to draw a clock and put the time she said on it. Here my engineer highly intelligent father could not do it.

Piedmont we had the most supportive of parents always. They both showed my sister and I what being a good human being was all about.

This is what I said at my dad’s funeral which occurred right before covid hit

It’s been an honor and privilege to have helped care for dad these last 3 years of his failing health. I won’t lie it was not always easy and could be frustrating at times dealing with the Cothron stubbornness. But that stemmed from Dad’s strong feelings that is was his responsibility to care for us not us caring for him. Kelly and I though are our fathers daughters and persevered determined to give back to our dad what he so graciously gave to us over the years.

Dad set that tone for our family when family or friends are in need you are there for them. Generous with his time energy and money to many but especially his family. We had a wonderful example to follow.


Dad did has his faults or quirks that are legendary among family and friends. While he was a brilliant man in his career we learned to be cautious in asking for his help whenever we had equipment issues. He would be happy to work on it for us but there would always be parts leftover and and a unique way of operating that was not meant by the manufacturer. While he my have been an amazing electrical engineer, he was a terrible mechanic.

Kelly and I though are very thankful for both of our parents for the example they set for us and our children. Family and friends are what life is all about. You can rest now dad we’ve got this.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby heddylamar » Wed May 26, 2021 9:32 pm

{{{So many hugs}}}

It's so hard watching our loved ones grow older, and even harder when you're the primary caregiver. Is your sister near enough that you can trade houses and take a short vacation?

Both aunts — and the second/third(?) cousin — who cared for my grandparents during their declines were saints. Two of the three had alzheimer's, and the third was not an easy person to deal with, ever. I live far away, so I provided a sounding board (need to vent? text/call any time!), cheerleading, money, frivolous $$$ extras that the grands wanted ... whatever made things easier for the caregivers and I could do from 3000 miles away.

My last grandparent died a few weeks ago from COVID complications — she was in assisted living, limited visitors, and fully vaxxed.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby khall » Thu May 27, 2021 1:38 am

Heddy we are scheduled to go on vacation later in the summer. This is the kind of family we have. Our DS will come in for part of the week and stay on the farm the rest of the week 3 nights my sister will stay here. We will have extra sitters when needed and other family (my sister has two daughters that help out as well) my DHs family is also helpful to cover any time we need. That is the type of family we were raised in.

Mom definitely adds another element to finding sitters. Usually it’s finding farm sitters for the horses and dogs and cat.

I also have 2 geriatric dogs (one is my mom’s companion) and a geriatric mare (26 years old). Yeah fun worrying all the time not

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby heddylamar » Thu May 27, 2021 3:02 am

khall wrote:Mom definitely adds another element to finding sitters. Usually it’s finding farm sitters for the horses and dogs and cat.


I understand! I'm the occasional farm sitter, elder horse/dog/cat/chicken/cow sitter and garden caretaker, and Mom's stand-in on-site caretaker for Dad ... not that he needs one. He's in a skilled nursing home, and I'm neither a nurse nor a doctor — nor is Mom.

I have POA plus health care proxy, so anything Dad's health care staff need I can provide from afar ... but I dutifully venture down there every time Mom goes out of town without me. Somehow it's okay to use her regular critter/farm/garden sitters if we're traveling together, but absolutely imperative that I'm there if she's traveling without me.

DH cannot handle that dissonance :lol: Meanwhile, *I* can't handle 2 weeks of attempting to work over Mom's satellite internet or Starbucks' crappy internet. But, when Dad was back in the hospital, I drove the 2 hours to sit with him daily — the hospital had fabulous wifi.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby exvet » Thu May 27, 2021 5:42 am

Khall I hear you 1000 times over. As you know I watched my father's slow (over 12 years) and then rapid (over the last 2 years) decline due to dementia. As it is for all, it was hard because of my two parents we were much closer. I also had to fight (and lost) to my mother's wishes which over rode his living will and clearly stated wishes as well as living trust............but, my dad did leave that caveat in the trust; so, there was little I could do but try to be the voice of the man he was.

Now I take care of my mother who I did put into an Assisted living center but one in which she lives in the independent wing. She had her license medically suspended. For one full year after my dad's death and before I moved her to where she is now, I was there for her every day with the exception of a few due to my late hours on the job and each of my kids stepped up to help on those (handful) of days. For two years I've been over to her place a minimum of once a week and many times twice weekly to take her shopping, get her medications, take her to her many medical appointments (cardiologist, neurologist, GP and respiratory therapist along with all of the various tests required) and then help resolve or salvage her faux pas. She has now on 3 separate occasions fallen victim to scam phone calls, giving out personal information such as SS#, credit card #, etc. Each time she has called me after she's done it to confess, go into hysterics and then tell me that she knows 'I'll fix it........like my father always did'. She has gained a ton of weight and suffers short term memory loss but is otherwise in good health, ie she's mobile without assistance. Despite being mobile but refuses to do anything. She suffers depression but refuses help. She lives less than 1/2 mile from a grocery store, beautiful park, her bank, her drug store etc and refuses to do anything for herself. She refuses to interact with any of her neighbors or get involved in ANY activity, stating that she doesn't want to just listen to those old people yammer about their health issues. She insists that I do everything for her. I have her power of attorney; I do her taxes; and I financially contribute to her funds along with managing what she had left before moving to the assisted living center. I I have assured her multiple times that I will still come by weekly to visit and make sure she's okay, simply trying to get her to get out, move and interact with people. I have been trying to get her to go shop on her own (I bought her a cart, etc to give her that independence) and she refuses. I explained that I would rather come visit with her once or twice a week and go walking around the park or do some other activity with her than be her chauffeur. Again she refuses. She just goes on and on stating that she wishes she had her license back and 'if she could just drive".........though I know that wouldn't change anything.....she would still refuse to socially interact with anyone.

I wish I could say that I've been as polite and forgiving as you. I have not. My mother and I have never gotten along. My mother harbors a lot of resentment and ill will towards me, blaming me for my brother's failures and shortcomings. She resents the close relationship that my father and I had (I worked for my father for over 25 years). My mother has always expected others to take care of her despite having been an RN who did work intermittently outside of the home. She has also been very manipulative, not in a mean and nasty sort of way, but in a very passive aggressive, always having to be in the martyr position in order to get what she wants. I have always felt bad for her over the years because her parents were abusive alcoholics and my father could also be verbally abusive. Unfortunately despite having to take on the parental role and logically/intellectually knowing all of this, I must confess that I have blown up at her more times than I can count............not too different than our relationship before my father died and certainly nothing that I'm proud of. I continue to live up the the expectations that my father set in writing and will do so as long as my mother is alive; but, watching our parents age is probably one of the most agonizing and brutal processes of life I think any of us can endure.

I understand the vent; and, don't be hard on yourself. We all are doing the best that we can with what we have to work with and while on the one hand having to care for our parents should be a responsibility seen more as a privilege than a burden.....their regression makes it very challenging to see it in the best light.

khall
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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby khall » Thu May 27, 2021 12:34 pm

Exvet your last paragraph especially hits home. Thank you for your input here. As I told Rye I knew there were many here who are or have walked in my shoes and understands the difficulties of dealing with an aging parent.

Even if my mom was in a facility (we plan on keeping her here on the farm as long as it is safe for her to be here. Looking at nanny cams and iwatch for safety reasons though mom is still very mobile) my sister and I would still have to be very much involved not just visiting as a loved one. We have financial and medical control of our parents since 2017 when we drew up POA knowing what we were facing. None of us anticipated this reality even just 5 years ago.

demi
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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby demi » Thu May 27, 2021 1:46 pm

khall wrote:Exvet your last paragraph especially hits home. Thank you for your input here. .....


Agree. As I read through this thread I am hearing a lot of things that sound familiar. For me personally, it’s easy (well, fairly easy) to think of aging parental care as a privilege, but as I mentioned earlier, I live in Texas and mom lives in MI close to all the other sibs. The week every three months that I spend with her I am her 24 hour servant, which I don’t mind. My SIL who mom lives in the same house with, says I spoil her and make it harder for everyone else. The whole family, however, even and especially SIL, does a really good job with her, each in their own capacity.

My older sister, the oldest child, is JUST like mom. Sis says they have never gotten along and that’s why she looses her temper with mom’s old age short comings. Still, they have worked out a relationship that is beneficial to both. They are both very cerebral and not physical. I think if mom had gotten more exercise when she was young that she might have been in better physical shape than she has been for the last 10 years. For years Ive tried to get my sister interested in exercising but to no avail. She had to PTS her beloved Boxer 2 weeks ago and we are trying to talk her into getting a little dog this time. She lives in a condo in the city and at 72, I’m worried another Boxer will just be too much dog. I asked her if she wants to go through house breaking another big pup in the city and her answer is that since she works from home since Covid that it will be easy. Of course, she is denying the 3 doors and 3 short flights of stairs she has to go through just to get outside...she is just as stubborn as mom.

I am thinking about watchting “The Father” that Koolcat mentioned. I like Anthony Hopkins a lot, but....

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Kyra's Mom » Thu May 27, 2021 11:12 pm

Yep...it is hard. We lost my Dad a little over 3 years ago and he had had a 3 year slide into deep dementia. It was very hard and she nearly killed herself taking care of him. Wouldn't take any respite, at times took his delusions personally. He finally got his wish...to go to sleep and not wake up in his own bed.

Fast forward to last year and I convinced Mom (at age 90) to move in with me. She was starting to have issues with paying bills...at least paying the right amount to the right business, was doing too much interaction with all the robocalls and unable to physically clean much and no desire to cook and therefor eat. So, I was basically taking care of 2 houses. She did have Meals on Wheels but many of those were not to her liking.

Her memory is getting worse and worse but so far, things are going pretty well. At least we got her house sold while she was still with it enough to participate and understand. I don't know what I will do if she gets really bad. I do have a sister that helps some but she is low on the patience scale. Not good with dementia patients. At least Mom has some money squirreled away that could support her in long term care for a while but I really hope it doesn't come to this. I hope she stays fairly stable and can just stay with me. Exvet is exactly right.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Lipsmackerpony88 » Wed Jun 02, 2021 3:48 pm

Oh gosh I feel this. For the last 6 years I've been the main care taker for my (step) grandmother. I had a young child (daughter is now 9.) It was so challenging. But first it started with finding her on her floor, after three days. Then nursing her through two knee replacements. Unfortunately there is also dementia sitting in so the knee replacements never did much.

I never did live with my grandma, wasn't possible. I would just do as much as I could. It was so challenging because like you said Khall, parts of their personality gets really magnified with dementia. My grandmother has always been stubborn and a bit illogical. She also would get lonely but the rest of the family would not visit or really help or anything. Just me my daughter and my husband.

This year she did go into a nursing home. Given the situation and the lack of all of her family to help (biological children and step children) It really did feel best at this point. She could not live with us because our house is a two-story with extremely steep stairs. All bedrooms and bathrooms are located on the second floor. Even with her knee surgery she is not mobile.

It got to the point where she was not bathing, not sleeping hardly, not taking medications, sitting in a chair that she had peed in again and again. And this was with a couple different agencies helping. It was clear she needed full-time help and there is nobody in the family that would step up to either share the responsibility or anything.

It breaks my heart but in a lot of ways she's doing a lot better in the nursing home. She's eating regularly getting showers and we get to visit her in a more friendly way.

I definitely understand how hard it is, even not doing it full time. It's a lot harder to take care of a full-grown adult than it is a small child as well!

Hang in there!

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Srhorselady » Wed Jun 02, 2021 7:48 pm

BTDT. My mother was diagnosed with altsheimers. She lived for ten plus years with her second husband with only minor issues. He was a gruff retired military man, but he was good with her. After he died she refused to live with me or my brother. Since we both lived in different states she agreed to move to Albuquerque where my brother lives. At first she was in independent living, but that didn’t last long. When she got locked outside without a coat in December we moved her into an assisted living/memory care unit at the recommendation of her doctor. Sometimes she seemed quite normal, but at other times she wasn’t. I visited every three months from out of state. My brother would visit and take her to dinner or lunch and shopping twice a week. She seemed to like where she lived and participated in all the activities. Then she started to get worse and have temper tantrums and behavior issues. We moved her to another facility with a higher staff to patient ratio. At first there was improvement. However, although this was a supposedly very nice (and expensive) facility with good reviews, a lot of it was just show and flash. We discovered they were taking the easy way out with behavior issues. Instead of using time and attention and diversion techniques for behavior issues, they were using medication and referral to other units. My mother WAS difficult some of the time, that I don’t doubt, but they were supposedly trained to deal with 80 year old dementia patients. My brother, my mothers doctor, and I all agreed we had to find somewhere else. Eventually we found a wonderful place for Mom. It was not cheap, but it was worth every penny. In fact we offered to pay for a higher level of care her last year. Mom was one of 3-4 patients living in a lovely house with one to two caretakers 24 hours a day. I will always be greatful to these people for the care they gave my mother. They slowly weened her off most of her medications. They fixed all fresh and natural foods, puréeing if needed. Assisted with all health and cleanliness. Mom would sit in the kitchen with them while they cooked. Etc. So she was involved even as her ability to communicate started to fail. Mom was with them on hospice until she died. All of you dealing with these issues have my sympathy. There is so one good answer. It is difficult no matter what.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Srhorselady » Wed Jun 02, 2021 7:58 pm

PS. The major factor we found when comparing various places for a loved one....patient to caretaker ratio is important as is training BUT the most important factors are low staff turnover and how much the staff are paid. Higher paid staff don’t leave as frequently and seem to take more care with their individual patients. Minimum wage employees result in minimum wage care. The patients develop relationships with their caretakers so constant flux is not good.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Tanga » Wed Jun 02, 2021 9:00 pm

I am so sorry khall. Hugs.

I wish I were so lucky as to be able to deal with what I know is my completely mentally gone mother. (My father died in a plane crash when I was 8.) My psychotic step father and then half sibling turned her into a lying, robotic mess, and then the half sibling basically took everything from her (she should have had enough to live a good life to the end) for herself, causing her to have to take renters into the house who destroyed it to pay the half sibling's bills. She spent all of her time calling, begging, threatening, and demanding of my mom, and eventually kidnapped her away from everyone, made her sell two houses in the SF bay area, so she could take all of the money and my mom with her to keep all of the other income going into her pocket and no one else in the family. I haven't seen her in four years, when I had to go over and figure out where she was and found she was in jail for drunk driving, and have no idea where she is. My mother has been weak and made bad decisions, but no one deserves to live alone with that psychopath until you die with none of your family. I almost killed myself for 20 years trying to stop all of this. All I could do was leave like everyone else and stop trying.

All of it sucks. Hugs to all.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby khall » Wed Jun 02, 2021 11:22 pm

Oh gosh lipsmacker and tanga that’s heartbreaking. Tanga many hugs that has to be so difficult. Lipsmacker glad your step grandmother is better off now

Srhorselady the facility you found sounds so ideal. I’m pretty certain we do not have anything like that available near us. I know the most costly facility is not the best. A friend has her mother there and Geeze what she’s gone through with them I would go postal. The food issue especially.

Yes the dementia does accentuate certain aspects of their personality. Mom has always been a fearful worried borrowing trouble kind of person. Now she hallucinates that people are breaking into her house. The way our property is set up our much larger main house sits in front of the shop/apartment where my mom lives. No one goes down there unless we direct them to. She is surrounded in the back by thick woods no one is coming through. But you cannot reason with her. And she has my big dog who would not let a threatening stranger in.

I have to let off steam whether it’s to my DH or sister just to be able to keep myself on an even keel. Just got back from grocery shopping with my mom. Have to pull that patience out!!

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby exvet » Thu Jun 03, 2021 3:04 pm

Oh dear, I just read your most recent post khall as I prepare to go pick up my mother to take her shopping this afternoon once I'm done with the horses. I had to beg my daughter last night to agree to take my mother shopping the next two weeks in my place because I'm going to be out-of-town. I may be in for a rather emotional and over-the-top drama seen today since I will have to remind my mother that I'll be going out of town. She's always sure that I'll not make it back (die in a plane crash or car crash, etc). She also is over the top fearful that my daughter is going to give her covid but there's no one else who can take her in my place. There are still some days that my mother absolutely amazes me and is the woman of strength and fortitude who took care of my father until we had to place him in assisted living, then hospice. Once he was admitted my mother's mental health took a sudden dive. It was so clear that he was all she lived for and gave her purpose. Now she has far too much time on her hands that let her anxieties run wild. The one good thing we all still have going is that my mother and children have a very strong sense of loyalty to family. At least that keeps our very small support group going. I don't know what I will do if and when my children move (to carry on with their own lives). One thing I will make sure of though is that they do not miss any opportunities to better their lives due to their commitment to our family; but, that's a whole 'nuther ball of wax to deal with over the next year or two.

Fortunately I've been mostly successful in managing my mother's finances (and mind) so that I can likely provide her with the care and support she's going to need medically and physically. On the emotional side and mental health side apart from dimentia I'm so hoping that the covid restrictions will start to ease more so that I can get her (hopefully) more active in the church. It's the only other area that she has strong loyalty and affiliation to before and now. If I can manage that I think I might be able to stave off further depression and that downward spiral my mother has fallen into; but, so much will also depend on her willingness to participate even in that.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Sue B » Thu Jun 03, 2021 4:19 pm

Exvet, my mother was not particularly religious, but she most definitely enjoyed going to church with ds and I every Sunday. Having social interaction with people around her age who are positive, active, and who find joy in their lives was critical to keeping my mother from letting anxiety and/or depression from over-taking her life. Covid, naturally, made that extremely difficult for awhile, but in the summer, we gathered outside and when winter hit, we managed to start meeting inside by December, so it was only a couple months.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Amado » Mon Jun 07, 2021 5:21 pm

Just opened this thread. Boy, this hits home, we are starting down this path with my parents - both are seriously spiraling - they live on opposite coasts, (divorced and remarried to younger spouses) and both have dementia - Dad’s been diagnosed with Frontotemporal dementia, and mom is super stubborn and has refused to be tested, but definitely has some form of dementia. I think they are both going to have to be in some sort of managed care very soon - and it’s scary and sad and sometimes frustrating to watch/deal with (and the stepparent part of it makes some things trickier).

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby khall » Thu Jun 10, 2021 4:04 am

Amando it is not easy dealing with aging parents for sure. We are lucky in many ways that our parents lived close before they moved to our farm they set up a POA when we asked and pretty much let my sister and I run the show and they have significant savings plus pretty good monthly income even after dad’s death. Their house was paid for so the sale exactly covered the expense of building their apartment here.

But none of us thought we would have to be caring for our mom. There is such a stark difference between my parents and my in laws who while a bit younger are still so sharp. Both of my parents dealt or are dealing with dementia and all the issues that comes with

Has dealing with your parents made any of you think of your own old age and future? My sister and I really want to get ltc insurance which my parents do not have. The six weeks before dad died we had to hire 24/7 caretakers to help us deal with all his many issues and because he was such a fall risk. Stubborn as hell too. For that 6 weeks we spent $13,000 out of pocket. Which we had thank goodness. Mom we just don’t know but definitely keeping a facility for her as a possibility. We are going to hire a couple more days of caregiver just to help keep her busy. It’s difficult for me to spend too much time entertaining mom who really wants to be useful but is limited in what she can understand to do. She can still clean a stall and sweep the aisle though!

On a group I’m on about caring for loved ones that was a recent question if anyone had made plans for their old age and what had they planned.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby exvet » Fri Jun 11, 2021 4:18 pm

khall wrote:Has dealing with your parents made any of you think of your own old age and future? My sister and I really want to get ltc insurance which my parents do not have. The six weeks before dad died we had to hire 24/7 caretakers to help us deal with all his many issues and because he was such a fall risk. Stubborn as hell too. For that 6 weeks we spent $13,000 out of pocket. Which we had thank goodness. Mom we just don’t know but definitely keeping a facility for her as a possibility. We are going to hire a couple more days of caregiver just to help keep her busy. It’s difficult for me to spend too much time entertaining mom who really wants to be useful but is limited in what she can understand to do. She can still clean a stall and sweep the aisle though!

On a group I’m on about caring for loved ones that was a recent question if anyone had made plans for their old age and what had they planned.


I have thought about this a lot. My greatest concern is if I go before my mother. I have also given great thought as to my future and the impact of my aging on my children. The concern regarding if I go first is I cannot allow my brother to gain control of what little she has left in her trust. He is the reason that she has a very limited and finite retirement amount, not my father and his ailments/death. My brother used to call and ask my mother for money on a regular basis and she would comply. He no longer has the access or ability to do that, as I have her power-of-attorney and am responsible for all of her assets along with her. He has called to ask me for money just once since my father died which I helped him with the specific need he had out of my pocket. The only other time I helped him out of my pocket was to fly him here for my father's funeral. He would not have made the trip if I had not purchased the plane tickets. When he did have access to her money (ie, my mother managed my parent's money while my father was alive with dementia), he would call for a dollar amount and give her some song and dance as to what it was intended for.......now he knows he must provide me with exactly what it is 'he needs' and I will purchase it and get it into his hands as oppose to writing him a check or wiring him money as my mother had. This has thwarted much of his 'give me' requests and limited them to needs of his kids as opposed to his wife or himself. I've been working with a paralegal who works for a firm that specializes in trusts. We are going through the hoops to get my mother's trust amended should I die before she in order to give control/access to my mother's money to my son and not my brother. I have a will in place as well as a living will. I also am focused on building up my HSA.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby PaulaO » Fri Jun 11, 2021 5:58 pm

I have not been in this situation, but hugs, prayers, and praise to all who are dealing with aged Ps.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Kyra's Mom » Sun Jun 13, 2021 9:24 pm

So far, things are going pretty well for me and my Mom. My biggest issue is with the difference in temperature I have to maintain for her. I guess I just have to get used to sweating :P . She has some cognitive decline but so far, mostly weak on memory issues. I'm sure it is my good cooking :lol: .

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby Sue B » Mon Jun 14, 2021 5:26 pm

As Personal Rep for my mom's estate, what I am learning is 1) make sure any accounts you own have a beneficiary listed and 2) make sure that beneficiary isn't some non-existent trust! This paperwork stuff is driving me crazy. I also discovered that I had power of attorney all along! Had she told me that, it would've made my life much simpler when dealing with her finances, lol. Otoh, she did keep very meticulous records up until 2015, so at least I have an idea of what accounts she owned etc.

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Re: Caring for the aging parent

Postby redsoxluvr » Fri Jun 18, 2021 11:46 pm

I have spent the majority of the past two weeks clearing out the hovel of my mom's best friend. She had a heart attack, survived and is now in rehab. Her dwelling is completely uninhabitable. She has resources, she chooses to not use them. I am not exaggerating when I say that we have removed 60 large garbage and approx 30 boxes of maggot infested garbage from her 12* 12 living room. I have been trying to navigate the senior care network and have lost all faith in humanity. It's not for the faint of heart!


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