Postby exvet » Thu May 27, 2021 5:42 am
Khall I hear you 1000 times over. As you know I watched my father's slow (over 12 years) and then rapid (over the last 2 years) decline due to dementia. As it is for all, it was hard because of my two parents we were much closer. I also had to fight (and lost) to my mother's wishes which over rode his living will and clearly stated wishes as well as living trust............but, my dad did leave that caveat in the trust; so, there was little I could do but try to be the voice of the man he was.
Now I take care of my mother who I did put into an Assisted living center but one in which she lives in the independent wing. She had her license medically suspended. For one full year after my dad's death and before I moved her to where she is now, I was there for her every day with the exception of a few due to my late hours on the job and each of my kids stepped up to help on those (handful) of days. For two years I've been over to her place a minimum of once a week and many times twice weekly to take her shopping, get her medications, take her to her many medical appointments (cardiologist, neurologist, GP and respiratory therapist along with all of the various tests required) and then help resolve or salvage her faux pas. She has now on 3 separate occasions fallen victim to scam phone calls, giving out personal information such as SS#, credit card #, etc. Each time she has called me after she's done it to confess, go into hysterics and then tell me that she knows 'I'll fix it........like my father always did'. She has gained a ton of weight and suffers short term memory loss but is otherwise in good health, ie she's mobile without assistance. Despite being mobile but refuses to do anything. She suffers depression but refuses help. She lives less than 1/2 mile from a grocery store, beautiful park, her bank, her drug store etc and refuses to do anything for herself. She refuses to interact with any of her neighbors or get involved in ANY activity, stating that she doesn't want to just listen to those old people yammer about their health issues. She insists that I do everything for her. I have her power of attorney; I do her taxes; and I financially contribute to her funds along with managing what she had left before moving to the assisted living center. I I have assured her multiple times that I will still come by weekly to visit and make sure she's okay, simply trying to get her to get out, move and interact with people. I have been trying to get her to go shop on her own (I bought her a cart, etc to give her that independence) and she refuses. I explained that I would rather come visit with her once or twice a week and go walking around the park or do some other activity with her than be her chauffeur. Again she refuses. She just goes on and on stating that she wishes she had her license back and 'if she could just drive".........though I know that wouldn't change anything.....she would still refuse to socially interact with anyone.
I wish I could say that I've been as polite and forgiving as you. I have not. My mother and I have never gotten along. My mother harbors a lot of resentment and ill will towards me, blaming me for my brother's failures and shortcomings. She resents the close relationship that my father and I had (I worked for my father for over 25 years). My mother has always expected others to take care of her despite having been an RN who did work intermittently outside of the home. She has also been very manipulative, not in a mean and nasty sort of way, but in a very passive aggressive, always having to be in the martyr position in order to get what she wants. I have always felt bad for her over the years because her parents were abusive alcoholics and my father could also be verbally abusive. Unfortunately despite having to take on the parental role and logically/intellectually knowing all of this, I must confess that I have blown up at her more times than I can count............not too different than our relationship before my father died and certainly nothing that I'm proud of. I continue to live up the the expectations that my father set in writing and will do so as long as my mother is alive; but, watching our parents age is probably one of the most agonizing and brutal processes of life I think any of us can endure.
I understand the vent; and, don't be hard on yourself. We all are doing the best that we can with what we have to work with and while on the one hand having to care for our parents should be a responsibility seen more as a privilege than a burden.....their regression makes it very challenging to see it in the best light.