WWYD: Alcoholic parents

[Lipsmackerpony88]

I need some advice or a sound board regarding something. I don't really want to post it on Facebook or anything because there might be mutual friends.

My daughter (coming 10 years old) has a friend she's known since preschool. So I think they've known each other 6 years now? They were really close and still enjoy each other's company but they go to different schools now.

We do not get together with them too often maybe once a month or every other month. The reason being is the girl's parents are going more and more off the deep end into substance abuse. I've seen this unfold over the years and it's really starting to take a pretty scary turn. Years ago the parents really wanted to be friends with us and I did enjoy their company. They are funny laid back people. But even early on it was clear that there is some issues in that family. At the time it was more that the husband had a drinking problem. The wife would talk about it quite a bit and did a lot of complaining about him in general. But from what I could see he held it together okay and was never belligerent or anything. It's just that sometimes you could smell the booze on him or he would show up with a pretty red face. They also would bicker in front of people and there's a lot of tension. The older child which is not my daughter's friend, was having a lot of behavioral problems too.

This year I'm getting really concerned that the wife has developed a much more serious drinking problem. I guess I don't know if it is actually worse than the husbands but she's much less private about it and pretty sloppy. This summer we've had a few incidences and it's getting to the point where I don't know what to do about it.

Twice they haven't been able to pick up their daughter from her house because they were drunk. Not even at home drinking together because they hate each other but either way both said they could not come get their daughter. I'm sad to say we dropped her off which I felt conflicted about but at the same time they're drinking all the time anyways and I cannot adopt the child. I am really glad that they didn't show up drunk trying to drive her home.

Then last night we went to the circus. We went to dinner beforehand at a restaurant that was right next to the circus. She had two large beers but it wasn't drunk acting. I actually felt pretty impressed that she seemed pretty together. Then we went to the circus. She seemed really into it as she is a dance teacher. Then halfway through the circus she tells me that she decided she's going to go back to the restaurant instead of the bar and have another beer. And invited me to go. I told her I would not leave the kids alone as my husband had ran home really quickly to let the dogs out. So she went by herself to sit at the bar and have another beer.

I find this behavior really disturbing. And we're starting to really feel responsible for children. Does child protective services deal with this type of stuff? Is it wrong for me to even be thinking that?

On the surface if they are sober things will look good. They own a home, are Catholic and go to church, and have their daughters in a charter school. They do a lot of after school activities. They are clothed and fed. But it seems there is a spiraling out going on here that is becoming real apparent at least around us.

I think at this point we either have to somehow set up an intervention or I need to basically not have my daughter around them. Which of course my daughter never goes to their house and is never alone with her parents. It's always us taking her friend over.

It sucks. So sad.

Another scary part is the mom just got a degree to be a counselor for troubled youth...

[Ryeissa]

Call her and talk to her as a friend- I would lay out your observations and concerns point blank. I am not usually one to get involved but this sounds super serious and very sad.

I would also call CPS if they aren't able to care for the daughter. Very scary!

[Chisamba]

unless you have a lot more to share than you mentioned here there's no neglect.

drinking is not in and of itself an offense. if you see them once a month or less, socially, and they drank too much in a social setting, it wouldn't throw up red flags for social services.

I am not sure because the rules change from state to state but Child services would make an appointment and in home visit ( not a surprise visir) to evaluate circumstances.

I suppose that might be enough to make them consider their lives.

[Lipsmackerpony88]

Chisamba no neglect really just spiralling quickly. They definitely drink constantly and not just in social settings. The circus was just the latest incident.

One night I had I offered to drop the daughter off (because I had already had the fiasco of them calling and saying they were too drunk to get her...on a Sunday evening at 8 pm...when they had school the next day.) So anyways she tells me to drop her off at 5 pm (Tuesday.) We go and the doors are locked. I wait around, trying to call them for 30 minutes. The kid found her mom in the workshop, smoking pot and incredibly drunk.

Later that night the husband calls in a panic because he doesn't know where his kids are. The wife was passed out. Luckily, they had went to a neighbors house.

I know they have had the cops involved for the oldest running away. But that was framed as her being a difficult child.

So maybe CPS would not shake them.

It's just really sad. I know the kids always act really tired because they stay up all night. But they are clothed, feed and go to school.

It's just shocking.

[Lipsmackerpony88]

Ryeissa, I'm normally not one to get involved either. It's just scary how things are getting worse so quickly.

I don't think a talk would go well... The mom is a bit of a hot head. And very much a "We raise our kids how we want!" type. She mentioned she's drinking a lot though. Maybe self awareness is a good sign?

[exvet]

It is sad. My mother's parents were both alcoholics as are/were both her brothers. My mother and her siblings more or less raised themselves but they did have an aunt and grandparents that helped out when they could. My grandfather eventually became very abusive so the two youngest (20 & 21 years younger than my mother) were pulled, separated and placed with an older sibling. My mother and father became the guardians of her youngest sister. Are there any extended family members close enough by that you could engage so far as being a safety net for the kids? Can you reach out to their church to see if there is someone or a service that could help whether it's marriage counseling or any type of counseling? It sounds like you're friendly enough with the mother that you could give her a call and lay your cards out on the table in a respectful manner and offer to call in some assistance if she's open. I would find out what/all the resources available in your area and have a list ready prior to the phone call because if she opens the door even a crack you'll need to jump and act fast.

In the situation you're describing the kids, of course, should be the first focus; but, I would be willing to bet that one or both parents have mental health issues that unless addressed will make managing the addictions/substance abuse very difficult. If the children are not being neglected, it would seem focusing on the parents' needs/issues if they're receptive may be the way to go. If they aren't receptive finding a safety net for the kids either by networking with their other (unaffected) family members or community may become necessary. It sounds like the mother may be more receptive than you think if the focus is on her and not the kids (selfish but that may be the personality you're dealing with).

[Lipsmackerpony88]

Except good points! Unfortunately no family nearby and from listening over the years it sounds like alcoholism and substance abuse is pretty rampant on both sides of the family.

The church might be the way to go though. I guess I don't 100% know if they are still going but I know they were always pretty devoted to going on Sundays. I do feel like one of the root causes here is that their marriage is extremely unhealthy. It appears that the parents absolutely hate each other but because they are Catholic they will not get a divorce. She's been pretty open about that. And the toxicness is leaking out towards the kids.


It's so sad. On my mom's side of the family there was quite a bit of alcoholism going on so it's definitely not totally unknown to me. I have seen how chaotic and dangerous things can get. Many of my cousins were physically abused, abandoned and some of them have their own substance abuse issues today. It's awful.

[Lipsmackerpony88]

It's kind of hard to give the complete context but you just kind of get to know a family after 6 years. They've always had some issues and there's always been some toxic stuff going on. But the circus in those performances were her "Thing." Her passion. And she was so into it clapping and smiling. And then it was like the quarter ran out. Beer over everything. Over her passion. Over her relationship with us. Over her own kids (She was willing to leave them alone at the circus. She invited me to come get a beer with her and leave the kids alone..)

It would be like one of us here being at a dressage clinic, seeing someone who we really admire and then halfway through deciding that going to the bar was more important. That would be a sign of something very concerning imo. That's addiction.

[texsuze]

Sounds like such a sad situation that would benefit from some type of intervention by someone or some group. I don't have personal experience with alcoholism although I have friends who are recovering. What about connecting with Al-anon https://al-anon.org to get professional recommendations on how to approach the mom or your daughter's friend? I don't know, but they just might be able to give some guidance without anyone having to become a member, unless joining their organization is the best way to move forward.

[Koolkat]

I would add that if it is possible, you should maintain a positive influence in that girl's life. You can change a life that way.

[Lipsmackerpony88]

Sounds like such a sad situation that would benefit from some type of intervention by someone or some group. I don't have personal experience with alcoholism although I have friends who are recovering. What about connecting with Al-anon https://al-anon.org to get professional recommendations on how to approach the mom or your daughter's friend? I don't know, but they just might be able to give some guidance without anyone having to become a member, unless joining their organization is the best way to move forward.

Great idea!

[Ryeissa]

unless you have a lot more to share than you mentioned here there's no neglect.

drinking is not in and of itself an offense.

Picking up a child drunk is really bad. I think this is very serious and dangerous.

I would still talk to her even if it won't go well so at least you said your peace and it's direct. I would say why your daughter can't be involved and why you have to change this relationship to set boundaries. If she gets mad, so what. She is the one with the problem.

I am torn if I would remain distant or engaged after that.

[Chisamba]

unless you have a lot more to share than you mentioned here there's no neglect.

drinking is not in and of itself an offense.

Picking up a child drunk is really bad. I think this is very serious and dangerous.

I would still talk to her even if it won't go well so at least you said your peace and it's direct. I would say why your daughter can't be involved and why you have to change this relationship to set boundaries. If she gets mad, so what. She is the one with the problem.

I am torn if I would remain distant or engaged after that.

the did not pick up their daughter drunk. they asked L to drop her off because they were drunk.

unless I have comprehended incorrectly

[Lipsmackerpony88]

One parent was drunk at their house and another parent was drunk at the bar and yes we offered to drop her off. And then just a few days ago we were at the circus She had quite a few beers and then drove her kids home.

[Ryeissa]

Right, that's what I thought

[Lipsmackerpony88]

I should add that the time we had to drop her off it wasn't a "Hey, We took the opportunity to do some social drinking since you were watching her kid. Would you please drop her off if you don't mind?" No it was multiple text from the mom stating why she was late. Then my husband got a call from her husband, in which he was pretty irritated that his wife was very drunk at a bar when she had already agreed that she would be the one picking the daughter up. He said that he was at home and had a few beers after work. They wanted us to just keep the daughter overnight (keep in mind that their other daughter who is older was at home as well.) We instead offered to drop her off since they both had school the next day. They don't go to the same school so it was going to be a hassle to deal with in the morning.

I would have different feelings if I didn't know the chaotic background of this family and I thought it was more a one-time thing. Nothing wrong with parents letting loose and having a few drinks occasionally especially when you don't have your kid! This was in my opinion a different situation. Sad

This is in no response to anybody just more clarification.