Barn drama ,how to cope?

[martha sc]

In a group boarding barn, is there always drama?
How do you have friends and still stay clear of the multiple triangles? I'm ready to give up my regular ride to escape one that i never wanted to be in to begin with. Can you end up in a triangle without intending to.?

[M&M]

It's easy to end up in a triangle that you never intended to participate in.

It's not as easy, but definitely doable, to extricate yourself. First - and this is something I forgot for a long time, when dealing with my family. Fortunately, I recently remembered - participating in drama is optional. (At least to some extent!0

You can tell your friends when you show up, sorry - I'm on a mission! I don't have time to chat today. Or I have a headache - forgive me if I'm not chatty.

Depending on how comfortable you are being direct (me - not very!) you can come up with a version of - I know how frustrating/aggravating/maddening this situation is for you. Talking about it with you is hard, because I have to be nice/polite/friendly with the other person, even though I understand your point of view. (Can be said to both people!)

I really don't want you to feel awkward about this - I really do like you and enjoy our friendship. But I find that I end up laying awake at night with my head spinning thinking about this, and I need to step back. Not from you, just from this situation.



Those are just some thoughts off the top of my head. Easier said than done, but it can be done. Just make up your own half-truths, that will help you start to put the drama off limits. (I say make up your own half-truths, from my own point of view. I have a hard time being completely direct, and definitely don't have the skills to be direct and totally honest without alienating people.)

[DJR]

You can tell your friends when you show up, sorry - I'm on a mission! I don't have time to chat today.

This. I have gained the inadvertent reputation of being "aloof" and "standoffish". Why? Because when I go to the barn, I ride. I don't chit-chat, I'm literally on a mission. I've said to other boarders who try to strike up a conversation with me, "I'm sorry, but I only have so much time to ride my horse(s) and I need every minute of that time, so I need to keep focused on riding." I am very pleasant & friendly, but firm. And, I'm honest ... I really DO only have so much time to ride and I don't want to waste it engaged in conversation.

I still managed to find myself in a triangle a few years ago but I was literally a hapless bystander pulled in by someone else. I kept to myself and ignored it, and it went away.

[StraightForward]

Low drama is possible. That's one of the reasons I've stuck with my small, semi-private boarding situation for so long, even though the facility itself is lackluster. They give the horses individual care, and there is little to no drama. That might be an artifact of few people being very serious riders (I'd say I'm the most serious, or at least most active). Many just ride once a week or come feed carrots, so there's not much to make drama over.

[TeresaA]

It's hard- people want to drag you into drama triangles but they are never productive. My only advice is to be so neutral that you are of no use. For example, if someone comes to me to complain about something that another person is done I usually start with 'what did they say when you talked to them about it?' They often haven't talked to them at all so I turn the conversation to when they could talk to them etc. That usually drops it. Or I try to share what the other perspective could be. That works too.

[martha sc]

"be so neutral that you are of no use" that is interesting. I have ended up in a mess because a newbie asks me management and horse care questions that I answer very generically ,then she goes to the barn owner, who is a piece of work herself, and says "Martha says you need to do so and so for my horse ", which of course, I did not say.
I have made massive effort to get this newbie to shut the F up, and I no longer answer ANYTHING she asks, but now she is whining about how things aren't "friendly" any more, also to the barn owner. I've been called on the carpet for " making boarders unhappy, and not being a team player. I'm utterly sick of the entire collection, but hate to leave, or leave on bad terms.

[Ryeissa]

this can be really hard!

I have tried hard to pick topics that invite sharing but don't get to the "opinionated" stage.

"Church polite".

"I like your saddle pad"
"How was your ride?"

I share about my horse, but nothing that gives fuel to drama. I don't give any opinions, ever, unless they are a customer. generally now there is very little drama but I also try hard to disengage.

Now can you come help me with my boss/work drama? I swear I'm going to start working for only men.

[martha sc]

Is it possible that the newbie is thriving on the drama and is keeping it alive deliberately?
I have been norhing but kind to this much younger woman and helped her a lot in getting happy with her first horse The barn owner ( a woman with very limited skills of her own ) had enjoyed watching the newbie struggle and felt 'better than ' . A pretty good dose of Mean Girls goes on from time to time with shifting cast members, depending on who is in or out of favor at the moment, or who the barn owner wants the next favor from.

[Suzon]

Barn Drama...UGH! I've gotten so I run to the barn earlier in the afternoon than my fellow boarders so I can care for my horses and get the hell out before anyone shows up. Kinda sucks. We only have seven horses in the entire barn and three/four owners, but one set of owners apparently replenishes all their universal energy from the act of complaining about everything...at least I'm assuming that's where all my energy disappears to when in their company. Unfortunately, I need this couple to care for my horses when we go away. I smile vaguely and nod and then run the other way at the first opportunity.

[Canyon]

Ugh, I'm glad I have my horses in my back yard!

How about wearing earbuds, listening to NPR or whatever, and just tuning out the drama queens?

[PaulaO]

Having been in a situation of mega barn drama caused by the barn manager, my advice would be to move your horse. You say you've been called on the carpet by the BM. That is ******. She's not going to change. I said to my drama queen BM that I didn't want to know, no she went off on me. Unfortunately some people love that nonsense.

[M&M]

It is more difficult - and more aggravating - given the nature of the situation. A simple explanation to the BO SHOULD take care of it, but it doesn't sound like it will.

"I have ended up in a mess because a newbie asks me management and horse care questions that I answer very generically ,then she goes to the barn owner, and says "Martha says you need to do so and so for my horse ", which of course, I did not say." Again, this should be a perfectly simple explanation, and should get you off the hot seat. If it doesn't, unfortunately, I think a move might be in your best interest.

[martha sc]

This is a 5 year old business I helped her set up. When she opened, she was so clueless she ran rigger geldings in the pasture with the mares. . My son keeps asking me why I am bottom surfing!

[Rockabilly]

I wonder this too. It sounds like the barn owner loves to stir the pot and I don't know if there is any other way out except to move.

[heddylamar]

Barn, work, family/friend drama ... I just don't engage. A quick smile, quiet "hi, hope you're having a great day," and move along. It's not just worth my time.

Own the "aloof" and "standoffish," DJR! Every time I've gotten that on a review, I crack up and ask if I'm supposed to start wasting my time and my employers' resources by sitting around bitching about work rather than getting it done.

With the additional details, Martha SC, I'd take my time in finding a new barn. Farriers and vets are good resources.

[Tarlo Farm]

Every time newbie asks you a question, smile brightly and tell her to ask BM. Then change the subject, then go ride/groom/home.

[Josette]

I agree exactly with what Tarlo said. Point newbie back to the BM - it's her barn and she is in charge. Own your time and spend it on your horse and riding.

[martha sc]

This is a very small town, with very little knowledge . . I am an hour + from better options... I don't own a horse any longer, life style changes I have hauled and done clinics with Eric Herbermann, WAZ, Mary Wanless and other top coaches. I have my own place and had arenas , stables trailer etc. All info and quality services vet, feed , farrier , I went out of town for. When my heart horse died suddenly, i quit riding for 8 years .
This woman leased acres just up the road and I got involved because her 13 year old daughter captured my heart . She wanted to learn to ride well and was a delight to work with . We accomplished a lot together, and I started riding her horse and doing some training on their string of trail horses, It was never a knowledge based experience but I was happy to be around horses again . The daughter has turned 18 and left her mother's house they have no contact. Smart girl.
The horse I have been riding belongs to the newbie that is carrying the tales to the BO
This is the same horse I started the "help with go " thread about on in the Training forum..

[martha sc]

Josette, its not my horse , it belongs to the newbie. I live 1/4 mile away. Time is not the problem . I have time , but am not enjoying it any more.

[martha sc]

I have stopped answering questions for the newbie, she is now unhappy that we all don't get along better.and is complaining to BO about that .
I'm there to ride, she has 3 horses but rarely rides.

[Rockabilly]

I wonder if perhaps you do like the drama because it sounds like you really don't have anything invested in this barn, Speaking only for me being the introvert that I am I would be gone.

[Josette]

Oh - I thought you were boarding your horse at this stable. Sorry if I missed that background previously mentioned. The fact that you are riding the newbie's horse make this a different situation. Poor newbie just wants to learn but seems caught up under the BM's control.

[PaulaO]

This has an easy fix. Give the newbie a 30 day notice and walk away. You say you don't enjoy it and that is understandable. Do not stay in a toxic situation. Better not to ride than ride under these circumstances.

[orono]

The fact that you're riding the newbies horse changes things quite a bit. You can not shut her our or be unkind to her. BO will side with the newbie, since she is the paying boarder. What are 'rigger geldings'?

[Chisamba]

I agree, very different situation from the first impression. I tend to agree with the last few posts. You choose to stay, be more respectful of BO and talk to them both at the same time. Church polite as suggested.

Or you choose to leave.

Easier options than it originally seemed.

[Tarlo Farm]

I want to know what a "rigger gelding" is too. Can't even figure out what typo that may be.

[martha sc]

Riggers are gelding that were improperly gelded snd act like stallions , mounting and covering mares . They are common around here. . Mixed pastures endure lots of fighting and mares scraped and banged up.
I do have other riding options that I really enjoy. I have stayed too long, should have drifted off after the daughter I enjoyed left. Helping the newbie was pleasant initially, but she can't stop complaining and I'm over it,
Thank all, for your input,. It's helpful to hear others thoughts .

[Chisamba]

A Rig is a stallion with a retained testicle.
A true rig is a male horse that is carrying either one or two testicles concealed in its abdomen, making it visually appear to be a gelding, while behaving like a stallion. These horses are medically described as a cryptorchid, literally meaning “hidden testicle

Many geldings especially those gelded late are capable of mounting and even penetrating . But if a hirse has been gelded, it is not a Rig.

Management of herds of horses going out together either requires lots of space, or a bit of horse management skill.

[Tarlo Farm]

"they are common up here" What the heck??? I get the undescended testicle on a gelding, but now a stallion who wasn't cut? And still "common"??

[martha sc]

Welcome to my world
In the rural South, it is not unheard of for the farrier to do castrations.
The results can vary,
When the over interested 'gelding ' would mount, chew up and repeatedly penetrate a mare in season, these lovely people would get a cooler of beer and watch, cheering him on. Often the mare would be unridable for days.

[kande50]

"they are common up here" What the heck??? I get the undescended testicle on a gelding, but now a stallion who wasn't cut? And still "common"??

It may be a behavioral thing rather than a problem with not getting all the parts that should have been taken out, as geldings who will cover mares are common around here, too. They don't act like stallions otherwise, but they'll go through all the motions of breeding the mares when the mares come in heat.