Family get togethers, 2 hours late? A whine...

[chantal]

The entire family, all the time. When they come to my house, they are about 2 hours late. I cook, I clean and make a nice meal. And this is the day in between my mom's viewing and her funeral. DS had some friends over for his 14th Bday and they just left but my family was supposed to be here now and they and just texted and said, oh, we're running about 2 hours behind. They all spent the day out in Annapolis, including the ones in from out of town. I know I feel left out, but I had stuff here to do. Including getting ready for them.

Last time they came up for Christmas I had done everything from Costco because they ruined the Christmas meal 2 years prior as they were so late, and had already eaten. I had made a crown rib roast. And they knew it, and what time dinner was. Never again. I didn't go overboard this time, but didn't go the Costco route (but considered it but I don't care for it). I should have.

Sigh. I need to remember I'm on an emotional roller coaster right now but man, 2 hours? I don't do much with them, so I guess this is what I get.

Yup, pity party time. I"m so bleeping tired, emotionally and physically. If they had told me at 3, I could have snuck in a nap. Prolly not a good idea to hit the wine or beer before they get here, eh?

[Canyon]

I'm sorry, chantal. Death and funeral and everyone is frazzled. Hugs...

My parents had some dear friends who were always late to parties. My mom ended up telling them an arrival time 1 hour earlier than everyone else. That worked fine, until one party when those friends happened to talk to other friends who were also coming, and the time difference was discovered.

[Moutaineer]

That would just drive me into a screaming tantrum.

Go have that nap now. Sod 'em. They can now wait for you. You are not the maid.

But yeah, I'd stay off the sauce for now if it were me, it might turn off my filter.

[Rhianon]

Heck, have the wine. Lock the front door and pin a note to it with directions to the closest McDonalds.

(More seriously: big hugs. When family hurts it really hurts.)

[chantal]

DH to the rescue, and my 16 yo who has been so sensitive to my needs throughout this... all the food is done. I got my stuff together, thank you for the place to vent, seriously. It allowed me to get off my butt. The chickens are just finishing roasting, will be done any moment and everyone is still a half hour away. I'm drinking a good Belgian beer with DH and remembering where we were a week ago (Belgium).

Doing as mom always said, putting a smile on. It won't be hard. I do love my family even though they drive me crazy. And now I won't even have anything to do but eat and enjoy when they are here. And eat good food.

Rhianon, I thought about it, only telling them all the sittings were taken since they missed theirs and having other friends over to eat all the food.

Good cheese, fresh baked bread, fruit, guac and chips, homemade bulgogi, etc...

[M&M]

You're a class act, Chantal, and far stronger than I am. I would have stayed in temper tantrum mode. Letting it go is helping you far more than having a temper tantrum would hurt them.


(But it is really thoughtless and inconsiderate of them.)

[Wicky]

Oh my dear, how thoughtless! But yeah, in the future I'd have cold cuts for them and save my efforts for those who appreciate it and value my time. {{{{{{{{{{Chantal and family - that is, DH, DS and DD}}}}}}}}}}}}

[chantal]

It worked out. My nephews were technically only 1 1/2 hours late and were appalled. They apologized profusely and made me feel better. My brother and his wife, well they at least are consistent.

Thanks for the kind words and support. I don't know why I expect them to change.

[angela9823]

Chantal, hugs to you again!

I think I would have left - told them you had plans or something. My mom is the exact same way and it drives us nuts! My sister and I go Christmas shopping together every year. We made it a annual event to go on Black Friday - normally to Minneapolis - Mall of America (we love big crowds and the cold there!!). Last couple of years, my sister has had to work so we couldn't make it. Instead, we've gone the week after that to Charlotte. My mom was upset that she wasn't invited so we invited her this year. And she was three hours late getting to my house. >:-( I told her frankly that this is why we don't take her places! It is infuriating when we have plans and she is late every time. My sister's family and my family go camping together. My mom has asked to go those places with us too. Fine, but we know to not plan that she will actually show up because either she is very late (like even days late!) or she doesn't go at all which was the case the last time. She kept calling us every morning saying she'd be there that day and then never showed at all and gave us the excuse that she was sick. It ended well that she didn't come this last time as she wanted her boyfriend to come. He stinks - like literally reeks. My camper has extra room so she stays with us but how do we tell her that we don't want him in the camper because of his smell? He doesn't like to shower/take baths and he smokes marijuana and it just permeates his clothes.

Sorry to go off on MY tangent. I'm glad things worked out well for you. I wish people would learn to respect our time but if we want them in our lives, we just have to live with the fact that they will never do that. Either we put up with it, learn to work around it or we don't have them in our lives. Hard choice.

[chenders]

That is so rude and disrespectful to be two hours late for a planned dinner with a set start time. And especially when it is family (the people who are supposed to care the most about you) it is so much worse! I would be livid (how do you keep a meal warm for 2 extra hours??). I certainly would never offer to host a family meal again after something like that. Sheesh!

[chantal]

Well, I just offered to do Thanksgiving. I'm a glutton for punishment. Guess I'll plan to serve the meal 2 hours later than the time I tell them to arrive. And I do plan to keep it simple. Except for the turkey, I love me some good turkey!!

And anyone can jump on the whine wagon, makes me feel a little less whiney...

[Saddlebum]

Two hours late at X-mas, no phone call, no excuse or apology. Ruined my appitizer and upon arrival to host house, my sister gave a very lame excuse.

Tired of her ALWAYS being late and disregarding my time and my feelings. she made a comment the other day about going to a movie and dinner. I just looked at her for a moment and ignored the question.

Sad not do traditional with her anymore but I can't take it anymore either.

I've told her she sucks the fun out of life by being so late all the time. I know it's a lot of my responsibility as I've put up with it for so long. I do feel better not venting on her about her being chronically late - abusive. My thought is, I simply will NOT place myself in that situation again. I miss doing things with her, just sometimes, I do not miss the abuse.

[chantal]

Well, my other thought is, we have other friends around too that we have done Thanksgiving with. I can include them and we'll do our thing and if dear brother and SIL are late, they can just be late. Pondering the messiness of that.

[kande50]

Either we put up with it, learn to work around it or we don't have them in our lives. Hard choice.

Or retrain them. Tell them what time, and based upon their previous behavior, how long you'll wait, and then stick to it. In fact, you could tell them what time and then ask them how long they think you should wait if they don't show up on time, and then negotiate from there. If negotiation doesn't work then tell them what your plan is and if they decide not to come because you're being unreasonable, well then, problem solved.

As long as we keep catering to them, they'll keep letting us cater to them.

[Xcaliper]

Sorry, that is downright rude! I would have eaten and let them have cold leftovers when they arrived. No rewarding rude behaviour!

[KathyK]

Well, I just offered to do Thanksgiving. I'm a glutton for punishment.

I guess so! That made me laugh - out loud!

[AirsAboveNC]

Sorry, that is downright rude! I would have eaten and let them have cold leftovers when they arrived. No rewarding rude behaviour!

Yep, that was what I was thinking. Start at your intended start time. Don't wait for chronic laters to show their faces.

[chantal]

Sorry, that is downright rude! I would have eaten and let them have cold leftovers when they arrived. No rewarding rude behaviour!

Yep, that was what I was thinking. Start at your intended start time. Don't wait for chronic laters to show their faces.

I'll set us up for success, and then stick to the plan. And lose my expectations. Darn expectations always get me in trouble.

[TeresaA]

That would drive me positively batty. In fact it does. My B-in law who's a lovely human being is chronically late. Once I was driving him somewhere and he wouldn't leave my brothers. I finally said that I was leaving and I did. I left. He came running out as I was starting the car.

I like the suggestion of eating at the set time and giving them left overs.

[FlyingLily]

I will never understand late people. I am chronically early, which would probably also bother everyone on this thread. I can be seen driving around the neighborhoods of people who have invited me over, killing time until the dot of the invite time arrives. At which point I also arrive, to shocked faces who weren't expecting anyone to be That Prompt.

I actually enjoy these minutes before the socially apt guests start to arrive. I can usually help get things set out, talk to the dog, etc. And then I can also leave early, and get back to my books and couch and pajamas.

Chantal, Thanksgiving is going to be awesome. It is the easiest occasion to accommodate late people. Instant leftovers! which are the best part of the Thanksgiving menu anyway.

[Don Giovanni]

that is unbelievably rude and disrespectful. I would go utterly batty if I had spent that much time, money and effort and had everything practically dessicated by the time they arrived. arrggghhh.

Big kudos to your husband and DS (who sounds like mine - so sensitive) for saving the day.

....wait..... did you say homemade bulgogi??? I"ll come!! And I'll even be on time. And I'll bring kimchee

[carpevita]

I have a rude thanksgiving story for you guys.
Years ago my dh was undergoing chemo and feeling lousy. So was my sister with her own health issues, so we decided to have a complete turkey day dinner for twelve (dh much prefers leftovers to the actual meal) delivered to her home where we would all meet for dinner.
Our mom, 3 teen kids and we arrived in time for the delivery, (by town car limo, lol!!) but my sister's 25yo son was a no show as he was out with friends.
Therefore we were each allowed one small serving of thanksgiving meal because she wanted to be sure there was enough for him when he decided to show up. There was actually plenty for several more dinners.
Though dh and I paid for the meal, no leftovers were offered, and I was told in no uncertain terms when I asked for a portion that her house, her rules!
So dh and me and mom and the kids left soon after and promptly went to a diner to eat.
That infuriated her even more, and as it turns out she ended up tossing out a ton of that food after all.

[KathyK]

Your sister and mine may be long lost twins. What could she have been thinking?

[kande50]

Your sister and mine may be long lost twins. What could she have been thinking?

I always blame it on drugs, or mental illness. Sometimes they're both temporary, and the drugs are often prescibed, but who acts like that if they're not under the influence or having an episode?

[carpevita]

Are serious entitlement issues a mental health problem?

[Racetrackreject]

Ditto what Angela said. I would have said, "Oh, you know, that doesn't really work for me. I have plans for later in the evening, since we were doing this earlier, and if you all are going to be that late, it just won't work out. I'll catch up to you guys next time.". In my experience, you only have to do this a time or 2 before they stop being inconsiderate jerks who value their time more than yours.

One of my very best friends in high school was like this. I think I actually left her once, then the 2nd time, she came running out of the house with all of her makeup in tow. After that, she was ready to leave when I drove up. She wasn't ready for what we were doing, but she was ready to leave and finished getting ready in the car.

[angela9823]

Well...I had a similar thing happen last night. My stepson's grandparents come in every year for his would be bday (died when he was 21- would have been 30 tomorrow). They never tell us exactly when they will get here or when they will leave. We don't skip any plans we already had and just go on about life except for a few days planned that we'll be together with them. They did actually call this past Friday to say they would be here on Monday. I went grocery shopping and even vacuumed under my couch (only done when I'm expecting guests - judge me not!!). Then 6pm comes and I ask DH when they will be here - should I make dinner enough for them. He says yes but that they are probably just running late. He texts them. At 9pm, we get a call from them that they will not be arriving at all. Her doctor told her on SATURDAY that she was not allowed to travel but just didn't remember to let us know.

[Rockabilly]

Really, that is such disrespect for you and your family. I would figure a way to fix them if I cared enough or just let the whole thing go. You can be nice and ask and ask and ask, but apparently that does not get anyone's attention. Chantal, your heart is so sweet and loving so I understand how hard this is for you.

Here's an example off of the original post. There is a local newspaper here that is free and they just go along willy nilly throwing papers out at every house. Asked for or not. I don't want their paper thrown out at my house for various reasons. I would call their office and ask them please not throw your paper at my house. They wouldn't for a couple of weeks then they would start throwing them out again. I would call again. Same thing. I think I called about 5 times and yet they still threw them out. My husband was fed up with it and went to their office in person and was not nice at all. He said if you throw another paper out at my house I will go to the Sheriff's Department and have you arrested for littering. Why did it have to come to that? Sometimes you just have to make a stand.

[kande50]

Are serious entitlement issues a mental health problem?

We can't know if it's due to feelings of entitlement, or cluelessness, or a glitch, or ????

Someone I know complains about how people take advantage of her, but then when they offer to pay her she's too "nice" to take it. Not sure what she thinks is nice about refusing payment and then going around complaining because they expect her to provide her services for free?

IOW, not talking about anyone here, but things aren't always exactly as they're reported.

[KathyK]

Your sister and mine may be long lost twins. What could she have been thinking?

I always blame it on drugs, or mental illness. Sometimes they're both temporary, and the drugs are often prescibed, but who acts like that if they're not under the influence or having an episode?

I usually blame it on being selfish and mean spirited.

[angela9823]

I can't blame my mom's being tardy EVERYWHERE on mental illness or drugs. She was just awarded a Daisy Award because she is an outstanding RN and they have to take random drug tests. Her boyfriend on the other hand.... had a stroke years ago and swears he only smokes marijuana to get rid of residual affects.

My mom has always been like this. Even my grandmother said the same thing about her as a young girl. My dad complained about it and left her many times sitting at home because he couldn't tolerate being late somewhere. If we were on time, in his opinion, we were late. Even at his funeral we asked the preacher to start five minutes ahead of schedule and explain. Most of the family chuckled knowing what he was like. I got this from him. Like one of the other posters, I'll leave way ahead of time and drive around the block or sit in a Walmart parking lot waiting til my time to arrive at an appointment. I try to plan for the possibility of something going wrong, detours or who knows what else.

If being late is a mental illness, we have to then consider that people like me (the opposite) is also a mental illness issue. I just believe it is showing respect of other people's time. Those that are habitually late don't recognize that what they do is disrespectful of others' time.

[KathyK]

I have a friend who used to be chronically late. We joked about it, but she knew that it made me really twitchy. Like angela9823, I'm chronically on time or early. One day she wasn't late. Wasn't late the next time either. Eventually I asked her why, and she told me it was because she grew up (at the age of 45, lol). Some people are so self absorbed they never grow up.

[chantal]

that is unbelievably rude and disrespectful. I would go utterly batty if I had spent that much time, money and effort and had everything practically dessicated by the time they arrived. arrggghhh.

Big kudos to your husband and DS (who sounds like mine - so sensitive) for saving the day.

....wait..... did you say homemade bulgogi??? I"ll come!! And I'll even be on time. And I'll bring kimchee

Yes, homemade bulgogi!! Come on down!! Do you make kimchee? I love kimchee!! You and your family would be most welcome guests DG!!

While I believe some of it is mental issues, I think the main issue is no margin. And no respect. Doing too much and leaving no room to breathe, and I continually get pushed aside. Our invite is not a priority. Every time I can trace it back to that.

So I'm pondering how to handle it. I don't like to cause a ruckus, and it will be nasty if I say something, not from my brother mind you. But I should say something or I will be in the same situation again. And shame on me then.

And for the rest of you, I feel for you too. It doesn't feel good to be trampled on. Thanks for the support.

[Rhianon]

Anybody can be late on occasion. But people who are routinely late send the very clear message: "you are not that important to me." As I explained it to one "friend" who had left me waiting in a parking lot for 1/2 hour for the upteenth time (we were meeting to go dog walking) ... "If you were going to get $100 to be here, I bet you would have made it on time." I am fed up to the teeth with "Sorry! Sorry! I just had to x, y, z." Yes, I get it. You are a busy and important person, and I'm nobody who can sit around waiting for you.

(Gee, this really ticks me off, doesn't it! )

[kande50]

I can't blame my mom's being tardy EVERYWHERE on mental illness or drugs.

I was responding to carpevita's sister's behavior with the meal. I know that some are chronically early or late and I don't find that particularly odd, but not letting your family eat the food they brought because it had to be saved for a grown son who wasn't even there? Now that I find more than just a little bit strange.

Something I always find funny is those who get really, really mad because the people who were supposed to be waiting for them left without them.

[Idofly]

This is my whole family...they will all be late to their own funerals so we just eat on time and if they do show up they get to shift with the leftovers. I stopped enabling them long ago.

As kids we learned to "manage up" early on. If we needed mom to be somewhere close to on time...we always used a 2hr buffer as standard. I don't know how my one bro survived 30 years in the Army because he has never been on time to anything family related- ever.

[angela9823]

I can't blame my mom's being tardy EVERYWHERE on mental illness or drugs.

I was responding to carpevita's sister's behavior with the meal. I know that some are chronically early or late and I don't find that particularly odd, but not letting your family eat the food they brought because it had to be saved for a grown son who wasn't even there? Now that I find more than just a little bit strange.

Oh! I so misunderstood that. Yeah...that is odd.

Apparently we ALL have these kinds of family members. My mother in law made potato salad for a recent get together. Now my MIL is from Germany and everyone loves her potato salad. She lives by herself. My BIL decided he and his wife needed to take the rest of the potato salad home so they didn't have to cook that night. What about MIL?? You just took all the food she would also eat tonight. Some people just find it so easy to be inconsiderate!

[chantal]

I can't blame my mom's being tardy EVERYWHERE on mental illness or drugs.

I was responding to carpevita's sister's behavior with the meal. I know that some are chronically early or late and I don't find that particularly odd, but not letting your family eat the food they brought because it had to be saved for a grown son who wasn't even there? Now that I find more than just a little bit strange.

Oh! I so misunderstood that. Yeah...that is odd.

Apparently we ALL have these kinds of family members. My mother in law made potato salad for a recent get together. Now my MIL is from Germany and everyone loves her potato salad. She lives by herself. My BIL decided he and his wife needed to take the rest of the potato salad home so they didn't have to cook that night. What about MIL?? You just took all the food she would also eat tonight. Some people just find it so easy to be inconsiderate!

Yea, the control issues-the ones arising from my mom's death are many. Over food (crazy crap), over funeral wishes, over everything. And I know it's just beginning. My walls are very thick with my family. Again, my deal. And it hurts because I'm a sincere, emotional person but have learned to shut up and stuff my emotions down. LIterally. Families are so tough.

And Rhianon I agree with you. It's a total lack of respect.

[Crisscreek]

I'd eat and feed them leftovers. But, my real contribution to this is......what's bulgogi? Am i missing out?

[chantal]

I'd eat and feed them leftovers. But, my real contribution to this is......what's bulgogi? Am i missing out?

A Korean dish, marinated beef that you grill. Some people call it Korean bbq. YUM!!

[Chisamba]

i am sorry your family were so late, and that it so poorly affects your plans. i like to be on time and was raised to be punctual to events, but my husband is awful horrible chronically late. it makes for so much stress and tension when anything is planned. i could never understand how anyone can be so entitled and selfish as to ruin other peoples plans.

then i started working with adults with mental disorders and one of the most common and very is a real behavioral disorder is anxiety about transitions. simply the stress of getting going. once you are there, its easier, but getting from doing one thing, to doing the next is very difficult for some. Individuals with poor self calming skills will have tantrums when it is time to get on the bus for day program. once they have actually transitioned, then its all over and they are ready for their plans, until the next transition

having seen and been taught to assist with in poorly functioning people, i see it i action in normally functioning people and realise that they have never been taught, or forced, to cope with this in social gatherings. because they are in most aspects fully functioning, it is seen as selfish and rude , and indeed it is selfish and rude, but some people have a very genuine stress about transitioning and it is evident in chronic lateness.

now, that is not an excuse. at some point in time, realize what your self defeating behaviours are, learn to overcome them, and be more considerate to others. or at least that is what i tell my dh, who has very many good points. ( but he will call me from work and say i am leaving , and i know he wants to leave and come home, but i can guarantee it will be at least half and hour before he actually gets out of the door)

[kande50]

then i started working with adults with mental disorders and one of the most common and very is a real behavioral disorder is anxiety about transitions. simply the stress of getting going. once you are there, its easier, but getting from doing one thing, to doing the next is very difficult for some.

Uh oh.

I just deal with it by not accepting invitations unless it's something I really want to do. Took me awhile to figure it out, but I have. My dh isn't thrilled about it, but he's adjusted.

[Wicky]

Interesting. I became aware when I was in college and went home, that the visit could be great until I had to leave, and then there would be a fight. I think it was easier to leave after a fight - I don't remember if my mother instigated fights then. I stopped "needing" a fight to transition to leaving after some years.

[angela9823]

Chisamba... I love the different perspective you just put on this. I'll have to think about that with my mom and others around me that are guilty. I think in some of the above scenarios though, it is just the people do set greater priority on shopping trips etc etc and just don't think twice about what it may be doing to those waiting on them. Interesting either way!

[chantal]

Chisamba... I love the different perspective you just put on this. I'll have to think about that with my mom and others around me that are guilty. I think in some of the above scenarios though, it is just the people do set greater priority on shopping trips etc etc and just don't think twice about what it may be doing to those waiting on them. Interesting either way!

It is a great perspective Chisamba. I have noticed that things people want to do, well, they are on time for those things. And things they don't want to do, those take a lot of transition time as Chisamba puts it. I have told my husband and my kids both that. If you want to do it, you are out the door and there on time. If you don't, we are late. So now I drag my feet and don't stress as much because of course, I'm the one cooking and getting stuff ready and then myself as well. And usually the last in the car. Sigh. It seems to take me longer and longer too.

But not if it's just me, then I'm early. If I only have me to take care of, I'm so early for stuff.

And yes Wicky, the fighting. I've seen that too. It does make leaving/transition easier on some level.

[Rockabilly]

And yes Wicky, the fighting. I've seen that too. It does make leaving/transition easier on some level.

A huge lightbulb just went off for me. The fighting before leaving is something my mother-in-law always did. I never understood it and I still don't. Do you think you know the reasons why a person does that? Is it the transition thing?

[Chisamba]

Often fighting before leaving has two causes, the first is anxiety about leaving , a transition thing, and the second is not wanting to be vulnerable to the sadness so you fight to make it easy to leave.

[chantal]

And yes Wicky, the fighting. I've seen that too. It does make leaving/transition easier on some level.

A huge lightbulb just went off for me. The fighting before leaving is something my mother-in-law always did. I never understood it and I still don't. Do you think you know the reasons why a person does that? Is it the transition thing?

I think it is Rockabilly. When DH traveled for work when the kids were little, we would snipe at each other for a couple of days before he left. I think it made it easier when he went. It was never serious and we would joke about it, but we did it all the same. And it was usually about silly stuff.

And yes again to Chisamba.

[Xcaliper]

http://vitamintalent.com/vitabites/no-y ... nd-selfish Send them this link...

[chantal]

http://vitamintalent.com/vitabites/no-you-are-not-running-late-you-are-rude-and-selfish Send them this link...

That is excellent. And convicting.